went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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