Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
