News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
