After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
