he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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