Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
