Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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