I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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