Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize