Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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