it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
