And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
