your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
not ubering you a puppy
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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