i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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