You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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