Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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