I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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