You smell like stripper and shame
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
false alarm, still single
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
