guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I love you.
Bad choice
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
