Me. At least after what I've been through.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
