i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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