I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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