I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
