I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I am naked and annoyed.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
