here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
