Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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