You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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