In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
