I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I cut my penus on the lid.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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