It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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