You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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