Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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