you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
