making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
This is the high leading the old right now
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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