Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
