You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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