I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
