My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
