I wish I could teleport
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
