Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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