i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
