Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
