I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
