A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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