He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
