Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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