I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So vagazzling was a success
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