went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
