Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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