there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You need Xanax blowdarts
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
