dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
