Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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