70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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