dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
