You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
