Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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