I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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