Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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