I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
