New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
