Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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