The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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