shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
