we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
