i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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