ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
