"it" just moved
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There's always time for handjobs
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
