Moan for me like Helen Keller
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
