I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
