I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
