i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
