My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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