i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
