Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize