Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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